Points to ponder
• The main reason Santa is so jolly - he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I asked the librarian where the Self Help section is and she told me I had to find it myself.
• What’s another word for synonym?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest all drown too?
• Why is it called tourist season if you can’t shoot at them?
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back
• A clear conscience may just be a bad memory
• I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met
• What’s the speed of dark?
• How can you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• If Barbie is so popular - why do you have to buy her friends?
If dogs were our teachers, we’d learn..
• When loved ones come home, run to greet them
• Never pass up the chance of a joyride
• Fresh air and wind in the face is pure ecstasy
• Let others know when they invade your territory
• Take naps
• Stretch upon waking
• Run, romp and play every day
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you
• Avoid biting when a growl will do
• On warm days, lie on your back in the grass occasionally
• On hot days drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your whole body
• Delight in the joy of a good walk
• Eat enthusiastically, and stop when you’ve had enough
• Be loyal
• If what you want lies buried, dig til you find it
• When someone is having a bad day, sit close and nuzzle them gently
T-Shirts we love
• I child-proofed my house, but still they get in.
• I’m not 60. I’m 53 + GST
• It’s a cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans
• We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
• My mind works like lightning. One bright flash and it’s gone.
Bumper stickers we like
• I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha
• If we stop voting, will they all go away?
• Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
• You! Out of the gene pool - NOW!
• Heart attack - God’s revenge for eating his animals
• All men are animals. Some just make better pets.
• Politicians and nappies should be changed often, for the same reason
Love your Grannies? Then be careful what you give them for christmas.
iPods have joined the list of things that can make Gran’s pacemaker go haywire.
A study commissioned by Michigan State University Cardiovascular Institute (try saying that quickly with your false teeth in) found that iPods created electrical interferences with pacemakers when held within a few inches of the patient’s chest for 5-10 seconds. It affected half of the patients in the study, some from as little as 2 inches away, others from as far away as 18 inches. The interference caused the pacemaker to misread the actual heart pace, and in one case caused the pacemaker to stop altogether.
Giving Grandad an iPod for Christmas might be a way to speed up the inheritance after all.
It’s important to eat well.
A man walks into his Doctor’s surgery with a banana up his nose, a carrot in one ear and a cucumber in the other ear.
“What’s wrong with me Doc?”
“Well for a start you’re not eating properly.”
Sound advice (pun intended)
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes a lot of your time and it just annoys the pig
(old Irish saying)
To coin a phrase
How’s the little boy who swallowed a twenty dollar note? No change yet
Consultant: Someone who takes the watch off your wrist, tells you the time, and sends you a bill.
Economist: Someone who will know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Statistician: Someone who is good with numbers but doesn’t have the personality to be an accountant.
Lawyer: Someone who writes a 20,000 word paper and calls it a “brief”
Professor: Someone who talks in other people’s sleep
Diplomat: Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip